Silvia Club of NSW

Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting s***-faced.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300lb. b**ch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground.

JUDGE TWO: chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
f*** those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variet Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that s*ut Sally.
I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a f***ing grenade in my mouth, pull the f***ing pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli which slid unnoticed out of my f***ing mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like s*** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. f***
it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the f***ing 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
_________________

_________________
My other ride is your mum.