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 Post subject: Joke
PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:26 am 
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Dear Abby,
My Husband is a cheat and liar. He cheated on me from the beginning.

When I confront him he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 6 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed/Clueless

Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York; act like one!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:27 am 
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers

in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his

back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and

spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.



What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him

and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the

horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him

square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you knuklehead, for the

last time...

B R I N G P O S S E!!!!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:28 am 
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A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year.


Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.


Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:29 am 
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TASTE TEST

A group of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well, she said, I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,


'Oh, my gosh, 'They're ass-holes!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:30 am 
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IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH !!!!!



Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in a woman's breast implant.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:31 am 
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Twelve Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, a handsome young man; Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly s crambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring....

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:32 am 
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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and

pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers

again.""

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like

getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has

expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like

spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:32 am 
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Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack
Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know,
I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make
somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could
throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one
hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very
happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and
said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of
them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:34 am 
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Patrick told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!'

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:35 am 
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Hikers arriving at a base camp in Banff, AB we're greeted by the following memo posted on the front door:

Attention Hikers: BEAR WARNING.

In recent weeks there have been sightings of both black bears and grizzly bears on or in close proximity to the hiking trails. This of course presents a hazard to hikers, since bears are prone to attacking when inadvertently cornered.

It is therefore recommended that all hikers make lots of noise while using the trails in order to notify bears in advance of your presence. An effective way to do this is to wear bells that jingle as you walk. Also, in the event of a confrontation with a bear is is advised that all hikers carry a can of pepper spray to ward off aggressive bears.

Finally, each hiker must be able to identify the presence of each breed of bear by recognizing the bear's droppings. This is easy to do:

Black bear shit contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:35 am 
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A MAN AND HIS OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich,"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This
becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick."

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:37 am 
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use
a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy
father was to arrive, Mr.. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm
off now.
The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs.. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
"I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"


"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs.. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd
love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that."


"Don't I know it," said Mrs.. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs.. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it
all in."

Mrs.. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed
on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs.. Smith fainted

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:39 am 
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A very loud, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I' m neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice."
Have a good day

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:40 am 
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LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife Jan and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then
threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch.....

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 11:41 am 
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Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarrassing to me.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began he ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around.

I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off.

When my husband and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!"

The Judge said, "Me too".

Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me.

He said "Me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.

A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning.

I said looking for Sex.

My case comes up Monday...

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