Silvia Club of NSW

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that’s terrible!"

"No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 240 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

ROFL very good

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M35 Stagea.info @ http://www.m35stagea.info/

and I was thinking, when's this c*nt gonna die already!!
lol

Situational Awareness
Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.


On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.


In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and
you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed
as you.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
,
,
,
,
,
,



Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

hehehehehe i like that one!!

_________________
M35 Stagea.info @ http://www.m35stagea.info/

The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favourite Teletubbie:
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN
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.
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Profile for women...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are likely to clash with Red Teletubbies

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from GreenTeletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
.
.

.
.

.
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Profile for men...


A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are ay.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

i bet i know which one razor chose!!!

_________________
M35 Stagea.info @ http://www.m35stagea.info/

the scary thing is, as i was scrolling down to read this..... i was expecting something to do with Razor lol

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

A blonde woman buys herself a new car.
She is driving along and it suddenly stalls on her so she trys to start it again and of it goes.
A few minutes later the same thing happens just stalls for no reason and she starts it again.
This happens 5 or 6 times over a couple of hours so she takes it back to the car yard she bought it from.
The dealer tells her to take a seat and he will have the mechanic look at it straight away.
About 30 minutes later the mechanic walks in and says "All Fixed"
The blonde asks" what was wrong?"
He replies"just sh*t in the carburettor"
She asks "well how often do I have to do that?"

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

lol i love dumb blondes

_________________
M35 Stagea.info @ http://www.m35stagea.info/

dont you love dumb brunettes aswell?




DOCTOR DAVE
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality.


Whispering......Dave........Dave..................you're a vet !!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something in its rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that"!

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

lol ive heard that vet one before

_________________
M35 Stagea.info @ http://www.m35stagea.info/

Someone's going through all their old emails!

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The Golf is like an 16-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.

pfft, how'd ya guess??

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

And i have prenty more.....


"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."



There is this magician on the titanic doing shows everynight with a talking parrot. Every night the parrot says stuff like it went up you’re sleeve or it's behind your back dude giving everything away . The ship goes down and the parrot and magician end up sitting on a dinghy together. After a long pause the parrot finally says to the magician, I give up, where the f*ck are you hiding the ship?



The True aussie Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to autobarn auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented pine tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to the tip to recycle, dump on fenceline to kill the weeds.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for correct box end wrench.

9. Give up and use bloody shifter.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Mate shows up; finish slab with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to pub; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole litre of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Spit dummy.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Swear and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 litres of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$50 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1375




ahhhh crap crap for me!

_________________
My other ride is your mum.