Silvia Club of NSW

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.


Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.


It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him.


When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that
day.


If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the
entire state down.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.


When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.


A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".


Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity." then you are dead wrong.

_________________
The Golf is like an 16-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.

ROFL!! thats gold!! all of it GOLD GOLD GOLD!!!

_________________
My other ride is your mum.

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

hahaha. so many round house kicks !!!

_________________
"'Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I'm very disappointed with that attitude.
I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.' - Bill Shankly

i hope i never meet chuck norris

Credit where credit's due. That's awesome!

_________________

As shit disolves in a bucket... So, are the days of our lives.

Its bloody funny stuff, I think i saw it on NSCC a while ago. There is also a Vin Diesel one too.

There's a mr T list aswell but the chuck norris one is easily the best

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meh

Thats the best one Funny as.


Call me stupid but I don't get it.

Can you post the Mr T and Vin Diesel facts too please people.

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Disclaimer: If you have'nt worked it out by now I CANT SPELL FOR SHIT.

Some facts about Vin Diesel.

Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel can slam a revolving door.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of Vin Diesel.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

There are two types of people in this world: the dead, and those who have not yet met Vin Diesel.

hahaha im pissing myself laughing. they are very good

how about the Mr T one???

As requested - MR T Facts...

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.

23. That's the number of fools Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T once travelled back in time in a telephone booth similar to the one in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and killed every Jester and Joker in every King's court, because he pitied those fools.

Mr. T's mohawk is so scared of Mr. T, that it started running to his beard for help.

Mr. T's feather earrings are actually feathers from a foolish bird that he pitied.

Mr. T invented the Civil Rights movement

Everytime an angel sings, Mr. T pities a fool

_________________
The Golf is like an 16-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.

hahah i love these

anymore??

When Chuck Norris jumps in the water he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck.

The Big bang theory is true to an extent. But what most people do not know is that it was actually caused when Mr T and Chuck Norris travelled back in time inorder to fight without the chance of destroying the known universe. Chuck Norris gave Mr T a round house kick to the head, and Mr T blocked it, thus causing the big bang and creating all existance.